Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 17, Episode 10 (Finale), with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Well guys, we did it. We endured a 3-hour finale … after Michael A. went home … after Grippo-Gate … and after seeing Katie end up with Blake. We did it. I am a skeleton of myself. But recap I must.
And, yes, I said it. Katie got engaged to Blake Moynes.
I can’t even put an exclamation point after that statement because for me … well, it felt all a little lackluster. Sure, Blake accepts her for who she is – but the excitement (or lack thereof) was written all over Katie’s face.
Were we all just going through the motions to salvage a show? Two things I know for sure: Katie showed WAY more emotion toward Greg during the ATFR segment than she did toward her whole engagement with Blake! (Sorry, Katie – but I don’t think those feelings went out the door like you claimed.) The other thing I know? Well, I am deathly afraid of Katie’s Aunt Lindsey.
Get the hard stuff friends. And let’s recap – Twitter-style.
Even Justin knows he’s a ‘default’
So Greg went home and yada yada yada we ain’t going through all of THAT again. This is a safe space for fun, and what’s fun without our dear Justin? Our boy who made it all the way to the Top Two, sliding in week after week.
Even after Katie “sealed the deal” with Blake in the fantasy suite, it was as if she had to be reminded that Justin was actually still there. His goodbye felt more like a rushed technicality with feigned emotion on everyone’s part.
But he finally managed to muster up that tear during ATFR, I think because he realized on play-back that he was only there by default.
Ah, we all love ya though, Justin. And we thank you for your service.
Katie unenthusiastically tells Blake she loves him
So, yeah, back to Katie telling Blake she loves him. Let’s just say all of Twitter-Nation was ablaze (and angry) at the fact that Katie couldn’t tell Greg (her “number one”) that she loved him because of her rules — yet, she said it to Blake (BLAKE!) — who was NOT her number one AND while Justin was still there! So, so much for rules.
Was she just saying it so that she didn’t have to walk away alone? It had a little bit of that feeling, guys. Okay … it had A LOT of that feeling.
Katie looked utterly defeated, even when going through the motions with Blake. Even when walking into the Fantasy Suite – a week we all know she had been dying for with Blake. And telling Kaitlyn about how he pleased her “multiple times” even had a feeling of “meh” – I did it – whoopdy doo.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is doing her best to make this into a momentous romantic occasion, and we’re just not buying it. And we’re DEFINITELY not buying Tayshia telling us that Katie’s breakup with Justin was “absolutely heartbreaking.” Uhhhh, Tayshia – you watching the same thing as us?
Meanwhile, Katie seems like a shell of herself, as if all of her spunk and joy got zapped out of her. But for s**ts and giggles, let’s meet Katie’s Aunt Lindsey! She’s sure to liven things up around here, right?!?
Katie’s scary Aunt Lindsey
When it comes to the brass tacks, Lindsey is one scary b**ch. In fact, she might even beat out Pilot Pete’s mom Barb.
“How you doing after you flunked out of the last one?” she begins in on Blake. (Now this worked for Blake’s sister, but it ain’t working for Lindsey). She continues, “you ultimately mean nothing. You better be secure as f**k.”
Yikes! I mean I get being secure and yeah, this is The Bachelorette and do I really see Katie and Blake out there conquering the world in Africa? No I do not. But Lindsey was just downright abrasive and rude! Mom was a little easier but it’s quite possible Lindsey just ruined this whole thing for Blake.
He looked downright somber having to pick out engagement rings with Tayshia, who, by the way, took Neil Lane’s place this episode (you dirty dirty producers you!).
Quite possibly my favorite Tweet of the night by the way. And as if Lindsey wasn’t scary enough, Blake and Katie then go have their final date with some huge statue burning thing name Zozobra where they write their insecurities or toxins on paper (for Blake it was one word: Lindsey) and burned them.
Is this LOVE? I don’t know about you but I feel downright blissful!
Is this marathon over yet? Oh yeah, Katie still has to confront Greg.
And confront she did. She came in hot, bitter, and angry. And it did not suit her.
After the Final Rose – Bitter, party of one
Greg remained calm, even when confronted about his “acting past” and listen Katie, as he assured you, he’s no Meryl Streep. It didn’t get the rise out of him that Katie seemed to want and she appeared extremely agitated and is this a woman in love?? I’m not so sure. Is this a woman who truly “left her feelings at the door once he left?” Oh I beg to differ.
One word, Katie: Indifference. That’s the best way to get ’em. That’s when you TRULY don’t care. And Katie was anything BUT indifferent last night.
Katie showed more emotion toward Greg in this one segment than she did throughout her whole fantasy suite, meeting the parents, proposal with Blake! (Oh yeah, they did get engaged – that’s how much of an afterthought it felt.)
So that about does it, folks. Oh yeah, Blake had guys in the audience stand up with boom-boxes playing their Laine Hardy song, making Katie cry. But I wasn’t sure if those tears were about Blake’s sweet gesture or that she had just seen Greg. I wish them well. Truly I do.
Kaitlyn and Tayshia are off to find their Michelle and host another season. In the meantime, it looks like we have an explosive Bachelor in Paradise coming our way! So stay tuned! I’m off to take a hot shower or a cold one. Truly I don’t know how I’m feeling. Michael A.? Are you here? I could use a friendly ear.
Til’ next season, friends!
Bachelor in Paradise will air August 16, 2021 on ABC, and Michelle Young’s season of The Bachelorette premieres October 19, 2021 on ABC.